Tall Story about Tall Cacti is 2006 Winning Whopper

             Mabelle Selfert with her imaginative tale about unhappy saguaros that learn the importance of having a positive attitude despite the dangers posed by wayward golf balls and developer moving crews is the winner of A Peek at the Peak’s (The Peak) “The Write Stuff Challenge: A Tall Story” contest. As the first-place winner, the north Scottsdale resident will receive a $150 cash award and 50 Burger King Burger Buck certificates so she can treat herself, her family, and her saguaro friends to someone else’s Whoppers. Mabelle’s whopper, “Saguaro Complaints,” follows this introduction and will also be published in the June, 2006 issue of The Peak.

Mike Steffens’ tall tale entitled “Encounter in the Mountain Preserve” was awarded second place. Mike will receive a $25 cash award and 25 Burger King Burger Buck certificates. Mike’s story will be published in the July/August issue of The Peak.

Contestants were required to write an original 500- to 1,500-word fiction story about our community. The tall story had to be about history, wildlife, plants, people, anything related to The Peak’s distribution area (North Scottsdale, Carefree/Cave Creek, Rio/Tonto Verde, and northeastern Phoenix). Entries had to be submitted by Monday, May 1, 2006 to be considered.

Great job whopper writers. Thank you for your support!  

Have an idea for a really tall story? Next year's contest will be here sooner than you expect. Start fabricating.

Editor

First Place. Saguaro Complaints 

By Mabelle B. Seifert

           Chief Solomon (pictured right), head of the Northeastern Chapter of the Arizona Saguaro Federation, had issued a call to all members to attend a special meeting. A fine specimen, a tall imposing saguaro, the chief was known for his wisdom and his fairness. He had sensed restiveness in his community and was determined to learn the cause of it.

The Meeting
            Members from Cave Creek, Carefree, and all the surrounding area made their way to the Peak of Pinnacle and filed into the hall. As the crowd gathered, a murmur grew louder and louder until it sounded like a swarm of locusts. When the chief arrived, the security policeman raised his arm and called for silence. The murmurs subsided and the chief warmly greeted his congregation. Wasting no time, he immediately got down to business by asking if anyone had something to say.

Stawky’s Complaint
            An arm shot up in the middle of the room. Acknowledging the member, Solomon said "Stawky, what do you have to tell us?" The saguaro could barely wait to voice his complaint. "I live on a golf course and I am constantly being whacked by golf balls. I suffer from headaches. These duffers could never hit me if they took direct aim, but their wild shots get me from all sides." He looked to the chief for a response.

The wise old chief looked thoughtful before he answered. "Stawky, I know it hasn't been easy for you who have stood on the same spot long before the golf course was built, but there is a bright side to your problem. Most of the golf balls are deflected, but you do have six holes where your skin was penetrated. Do you remember how each time a small bird came to you, inspected the perfectly round entrance and proceeded to build a nest inside, then sang to cheer you up?" Stawky nodded reluctantly.

Solomon continued: "Don't you think you are special? Do you know anyone else who is enjoying an apartment complex of songbirds?" As the chief’s words sank in, Stawky began to smile. "Yeah, I do enjoy the little guys. When their eggs hatch, I follow the peepers' efforts to fly. I encourage them and am so proud when they finally make it. Somehow, I take credit for their success. I guess I am lucky to have such a great family living with me. And the headaches go away when I hear the singing."

When comments of "Wish I lived on a golf course" and "I should be so lucky!" were heard in the room, Stawky's smile got even broader.

Another Complaint
            When the cop's arm was raised and he shouted for order, the chief asked if anyone else had something to say. A timid arm rose slowly from the side of the room and a teary voice spoke haltingly: "I have lived all my life in one place and now I find I am going to be uprooted and transplanted somewhere else. I am not happy."

The chief, who knew everybody and everything about them, turned to the sad saguaro and in a soothing voice addressed him: "Loner, you live in the middle of the desert with no close companions and a view that never changes. While you have accepted your lonely existence, you should look to the future. You are offered the opportunity of seeing another part of the world. You will be moving to a beautiful garden at a new house where you will be the admired sentinel of the whole yard. Colorful vines will climb the wall behind you, flowers will bloom at your feet, and young trees will sway with the breeze. You will hear the laughter of children in the swimming pool, the soft voices of the adults in the hot tub accompanied by the tinkling music of the waterfall cascading down the rocks. And the people who wanted you paid a princely sum for you." The image built in Loner's mind and the worried look on his face was replaced by a beaming smile. A husky voice boomed out: "Some guys have all the luck," followed by hearty laughter.

Standing Tall
           When the one-armed cop stilled the crowd, the chief asked if anyone else wanted to speak. No arms were raised. If there were others who came with the intention of airing their grievances, they no longer considered them important. The meeting ended with the chief admonishing the group: "You are very fortunate. You are the high end of the cacti world. You stand tall and straight. You are admired and loved as you grace the desert landscape. Arizona values you. They have honored you by putting your likeness on the license plates. And they protect you. Severe penalties are meted out to anyone who dares to chop you down. Anyone who desires one of you pays a stiff price to have you moved, so you know how important you are. You have a right to be proud of your stature."

Transformation
            The air of depression in the room had finally evaporated. As the group left the hall, their step was springier, they grew tall and smiles spread across their faces. They didn't even remotely resemble the saguaros who had shuffled in earlier, dejected and drooping. Outside in the bright sunshine, one noticed a sudden transformation. Flowers burst forth from the top of their heads to the tips of their arms. It was amazing to behold, but it was spring, a time of rebirth.   

 

Second Place. Encounter in the Mountain Preserve 

Michael Steffens 

It was a sunny and seasonal Wednesday in April. I had the day off from work and I enjoy hiking in the McDowell Sonoran Preserve, so I decided to hike the Lost Dog trail from the 124th Street trailhead. I had no way of knowing that I was about to experience an incredible encounter.

The Surprise
            About 30 minutes into the hike I came around a bend in the trail and heard rustling in a large bush ahead of me. I froze, thinking I had disturbed a javalina. After approximately 20 seconds, I noticed a pair of eyes staring at me, belonging to what appeared to be a human crouching behind the bush. I held up my hands to prove I wasn't a threat, and softly spoke to it. I slowly walked toward the bush, and was very surprised when  it, a human,  jumped out and jabbed a 6 foot spear at my chest! I was astonished by his appearance, about 5 feet tall, 130 pounds with long, unkempt brown hair. He had a very pungent odor, and wore nothing except a loincloth made of bobcat skins. He definitely looked like a caveman, but here in Scottsdale?

Oops, Not Chris!
            He ordered me - in perfect English - not to come any closer. Now I was thoroughly confused. I thought my friend Chris was playing a trick on me, so I called his name and told him that I wasn't fooled. The caveman then asked me what "Chris" is, and sternly told me not to steal the rabbit he had just killed. I now had an explanation for the rustling but nothing else. Not knowing what to do, I sat down on a nearby rock. He then lowered his spear and asked me what I wanted. I told him I was simply out for a hike. He grunted, picked up his rabbit and turned to leave. Not knowing what else to say, I asked him if he was really a caveman and how did he know English?

101-Savvy
            He replied that he lived in a nearby cave and learned English by watching satellite TV. I laughed, but his icy stare quickly stopped me. Intrigued, I asked if he could stay so we could talk. He said that he was hungry and wanted to eat his lunch as soon as possible. By now curiosity had the best of me, so I asked if he would join me for lunch tomorrow at 11 a.m. at Fleming's steakhouse in the DC Ranch Marketplace. He said he didn't know what Fleming's was, so I explained it to him. He quickly agreed, and I asked if I could give him a ride there. He said he has observed how people drive on the 101 and that was the only thing in this area that truly scared him. I gave him directions to the restaurant, and he said he would rather walk there.

Dining Beats Hunting
            The next day I arrived at Fleming's early and requested a quiet table in the back. I wondered if my new friend knew how to tell time, but that question was answered when he arrived at exactly 11 a.m. He sat down but looked confused when the waiter handed him a menu. I explained the menu listed what meats he could eat, and he seemed perplexed by having more than one item to choose from. He asked me how they could hunt for the different animals when people placed an order. I explained that the cooks did not have to hunt, and he seemed intrigued by that idea. I ordered a filet, and he ordered the same.

Settlers' Conveniences
            I wanted to learn as much possible about this person, so I asked many questions over lunch. I asked him if he had seen other people hiking in the preserve. He said he sees people almost every day, but they were usually too focused on their cell phone conversations to notice him. He said people have occasionally passed so close that he could touch them with his spear but they still didn't notice him. I then asked him to elaborate on his statement from yesterday about having satellite TV. He said that it had been  easy. He said that he took a satellite dish from a house that was under construction and got electricity from tapping into one of the lines on the tall transmission towers that run north of the 101. I explained that the voltage was much too high to power a cave, and he replied he used transformers to solve that problem. I told him I was surprised that he seemed to understand electricity, and he said he learned about it by surfing the Internet. I then asked him how he could possibly have gotten a computer, and he replied  that he had gotten one the same way he obtained all of the furniture and decorations for  his cave, by picking through the stuff that people left out front of their houses. He said he couldn't understand why people didn't want furniture that was in perfectly good shape, and I said that was just the way people are around here. He just shook his head.

Ms. Manners Needed
            Our meal arrived, so we ate. He completely ignored his silverware and picked up the meat with both hands. He said it was the best piece of meat he had ever had, and that it was unlike anything he had eaten before. He asked if it was mountain lion or javelina. I said neither. I tried to explain what a cow was but he didn't seem to understand. I sat there in silence while he devoured his meal. When he was finished he let out a very loud burp and sat back in his chair. I looked down at the tablecloth when the other diners started to stare at us.

             Caves Can Be  Fun
             As I was finishing my lunch, I asked him what he does in his cave. He told me he bought a bootleg card for his satellite receiver which enabled him to get all of the pay-per-view sports and movie packages. I asked him how he obtained that and he said he bought it over the Internet. I thought I had him now! How could he have bought anything online without a credit card? He then explained how he randomly typed in numbers until the Web site accepted them. I told him I was astonished by his understanding of our modern society and he said it wasn't too hard to figure out. He learned by closely observing everything he saw in person, on TV, and over the Internet. I said he had an obvious natural understanding of electricity and asked if he ever wanted to join modern society. I thought he would make a great electrician. He declined and said he greatly preferred his current lifestyle.

Upscale Guy
            The caveman was silent for a few seconds. Then he said there was only one thing he would like to have from Scottsdale and that was beer. He said his favorite brand was Beck's but he hadn't been able to get any for a long time. I then asked him how he managed to get beer and he said that's the only thing he ventures into town for. He continued that he only goes on Saturdays after midnight, but even then people tend to look at him in a funny way. I told him I would be happy to get him some beer and he was very excited about that prospect. He said if I got him a couple of 12-packs then he would let me come over to his cave this Saturday to watch some baseball. He explained that he had some relatives coming over who lived in the Four Peaks range east of Fountain Hills, and they would all enjoy the beer. I jumped at the opportunity and said I'd bring him some. I asked him if he had a refrigerator and he replied that of course he did. I made a mental note to bring some chips and other snack foods to see what his response to them would be.

New Friendship
            We agreed to meet at the same spot on the trail as our initial encounter, and he got up to leave. I told him I had to pay the bill first and he sat back down. He definitely understood what a credit card was. As we walked to the door I offered to give him a ride home. He declined and said he needed to walk after such a wonderful meal. We reluctantly parted ways, but I can't wait to see what I will learn about my new friend on Saturday!  

Editor’s Note. This story proves that preservation leads to good things. What are you waiting for? Take a hike in the McDowell Sonoran Preserve and you might find a new friend, too. Don't leave home without putting some Beck's beer in your backpack.